Introduction: The principle of the weekly couple’s conversation with 3 questions:
“How did I surprise you?”
“How did I disappoint you?”
“What could I change about myself?”
A proven recommendation for a happy relationship is to have a fixed conversation as a couple once a week. In this conversation, both partners consciously take time for each other and ask themselves three specific questions. While one speaks and answers, the other listens attentively—without interruptions, without contradicting. Then the right to speak switches. This ritualized conversation creates a safe space where both can openly talk about the positives and negatives of the past week.
Why a weekly conversation? Because it helps to address small things in time before they build up into bigger conflicts. Psychological studies show that couples who regularly talk openly with each other develop less resentment and fewer misunderstandings. Instead of bottling things up, you stay in constant exchange. Such regular relationship talks increase mutual appreciation and foster a deeper emotional connection. They act like a weekly “reset” or a check-up for the partnership—you stay up to date with what’s going on inside the other person and strengthen the feeling of togetherness.
The following section takes a closer look at the three questions asked in this weekly ritual. Each question serves a specific purpose for relationship quality. We explain the meaning of each question, give examples of possible answers, and show how best to deal with the answers. Finally, you’ll find practical tips on how to anchor this weekly conversation in everyday life.
Question 1: “How did I surprise you last week?”
This first question focuses on the positives of the past week. It’s about finding out from your partner which action or trait was particularly positively noticed—in short: how you were able to bring unexpected joy to the other. This question aims to express appreciation and gratitude. Often, small loving gestures or efforts go unnoticed in everyday life. By having your partner say what surprised or pleased them, such gestures are made visible and acknowledged.
Meaning of the question
The meaning of this question lies in consciously highlighting the positive. In relationships, it’s important not only to address problems but also to show appreciation for each other. Psychological studies on couples have shown that mutual appreciation and gratitude significantly increase relationship satisfaction. When your partner mentions what positively surprised them, the other feels seen and encouraged to continue such loving acts. In addition, this introduction creates a benevolent atmosphere in the conversation: you start with a smile and good feelings, making it easier to talk about difficult topics later. A well-known rule of thumb from couple research says that happy couples have more positive than negative interactions—this first question helps to consciously focus on the positive and keep the balance in favor of the good moments.
Examples of answers to question 1
Here are some examples of what a partner might answer when asked how they were surprised last week:
• “You surprised me when you spontaneously cooked my favorite meal—I didn’t expect that at all and it made me really happy.”
• “I was surprised that you brought me flowers for no reason. That gesture was unexpected and very sweet of you.”
• “I was pleasantly surprised that you took time for an evening walk with me, even though you actually had a lot to do.”
• “You really surprised me when you tidied up the apartment while I was out. Coming home and everything was tidy—that was a great surprise for me!”
• “I found it surprising and nice that last week you asked so attentively about my tough workday and wanted to listen to me. I didn’t expect that.”
Of course, these are just examples. Every couple and every week is different—the important thing is that the partner answering honestly states what they noticed positively. Small everyday things can also be mentioned. Often it’s precisely the little gestures, like a hug at the right time or a favorite drink brought home, that have a big impact and are worth mentioning.
Dealing with the answer to question 1
For the questioner (the listener at this moment), the answer to this question means first and foremost: listen and accept. Enjoy the praise or appreciation you receive. Hearing what you did well strengthens your self-esteem. The answer also provides valuable clues about what is important to your partner and how you can make them happy. For example, if it comes up that the spontaneous hug after a stressful day was a positive surprise, you can take that as inspiration for the future. Many couples experience a small aha moment with this question: you find out what actually made a positive impression on the other—sometimes something you didn’t even consider special yourself.
It’s important to return the appreciation: A simple “Thank you, I’m really glad to hear that” is an appropriate response. This way, your partner also feels heard in their praise. Overall, this exchange creates a warm, positive atmosphere and strengthens both—you basically start the conversation on the plus side.
Question 2: “How did I disappoint you last week?”
This second question targets the negative points or disappointments of the past week. Here, your partner has the opportunity to respectfully express criticism or address hurts they have felt. It can take courage to ask this question—because no one likes to hear that they’ve disappointed the other. But this openness is extremely important for a healthy relationship. The question provides a framework in which small hurts, annoyances, or unmet expectations are not swept under the rug but can be addressed promptly.
Meaning of the question
The meaning of “How did I disappoint you?” lies mainly in bringing simmering dissatisfactions to light before they grow into major resentment. In many relationships, serious problems arise because negative feelings are not communicated and build up over time. If disappointments can be expressed regularly, neither partner feels forced to bottle up frustration. Instead, you can work together to understand what went wrong and clear up misunderstandings. Research from couples therapy underscores that constructively addressing conflicts increases relationship satisfaction. Couples who sweep disagreements under the rug often develop resentment over time, which can poison the relationship. In particular, unspoken disappointments can turn into contempt over time—and contempt is considered by experts to be a relationship killer. This second question thus acts as a kind of safety valve: it lets off steam before the pressure cooker explodes. The weekly opportunity to put disappointments into words prevents small annoyances from becoming major points of contention.
It’s important that both partners understand: everyone makes mistakes or overlooks things—the purpose of the question is not to assign blame, but to honestly share what hurt or saddened you. This way, the other can learn from it and you can find solutions together or at least ask for forgiveness.
Examples of answers to question 2
Here are some examples of how an answer to the disappointment question might sound. These answers are formulated in the first person by the partner who was disappointed:
• “I was disappointed when you canceled our planned dinner on Friday. I was looking forward to it and it felt like it wasn’t important to you.”
• “I was disappointed that last week you hardly asked about my day. I would have liked more interest and attention from you.”
• “I was sad and disappointed when you forgot our meeting with my parents. That meeting was important to me, and it hurt that you apparently forgot about it.”
• “I was disappointed that you helped less with the housework than you promised. I felt left alone with everything.”
• “I wish you had supported me more when I was so stressed. I was disappointed that you didn’t pick up on my hints and I was left alone with my stress.”
These statements are specific and describe a concrete situation or behavior that was disappointing. That’s important, because general or sweeping criticism (like “You always disappoint me”) would be unhelpful and more hurtful. It’s better to name specific examples—as in the examples above—and stick to your own feelings (“I was disappointed when…”).
Dealing with the answer to question 2
This question and its answers are probably the most sensitive part of the weekly conversation. For the one who asks (and then hears the criticism), it’s crucial not to get defensive. That takes practice: our first reaction is often to justify ourselves or explain why the other is wrong in their feelings. But here, you should consciously hold back. While your partner describes their disappointment, the rule is: listen, don’t interrupt, don’t immediately contradict. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Even if you saw the situation differently, acknowledge that your partner felt hurt or disappointed. The other’s feeling is a reality that should be recognized.
After listening, you can respond gently. For example, the listener can say: “Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry you felt that way.” This signals that you take the feelings seriously. If an explanation is appropriate (maybe there was a misunderstanding), it should come after you’ve shown understanding. Important: no excuses like “Yes, but you have to understand…”—at least not right away. First, your partner should feel that their disappointment has been heard and accepted.
As the conversation continues, you can look ahead together: “What can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?” or “Translation Error: peer closed connection without sending complete message body (incomplete chunked read)]
