I am writing this because I believe that in our culture we are subject to a dangerous oversimplification that bothers me as a man and as a father of daughters: desire in women is still often considered a marginal topic—“nice to have,” not a basic need. And that is exactly what I want to question.
Dianne de la Cruz – a Voice of Self-Determination
Dianne de la Cruz is a therapist and author who deals with questions of female sexuality, shame, and self-determination. In her interviews and lectures, she describes sexuality as a mirror of social power relations. Her central idea: “Desire is not a luxury. It is part of dignity and self-determination.”
She stands for an attitude that opposes the centuries-old devaluation of female desire. She shows that sexuality is not only private, but deeply political—because it determines how free a person is allowed to feel in their own body.
1. Childhood and Bodily Experience
It starts early.
While boys learn to touch their bodies naturally—if only because they urinate standing up—girls hear very early on: “Hands off!” or “Shame on you!”
Neuroscience shows that so-called “emotional maps” are formed in the brain: body parts that are regularly touched and perceived are more strongly represented there. If girls are not allowed to have this experience, a distance develops—not only physically, but also emotionally.
The result: many women later experience their bodies as something seen from the outside, not as something they feel from within.
2. The Double Standard Dilemma
Social expectations reinforce this alienation:
Women are supposed to be desirable, but not too much; sensual, but please not self-determined; attractive, but definitely not “feminist.”
This game of opposites creates a constant tension. Those who show desire risk criticism. Those who suppress it lose themselves.
Even Dianne de la Cruz describes how deep these imprints go:
“I once thought: Thank goodness no daughter—she would run around almost naked in the summer. And then I realized how absurd this thought is: Why should she have to get dressed so that men don’t react? Actually, it should be exactly the other way around.”
3. Desire as an Act of Self-Determination
Sexual self-determination is more than intimacy—it is political.
The patriarchy has its hands deep in this issue. A woman who knows and lives her desire challenges existing power structures. She says:
“I am not here to please anyone. I am here to live my sexuality for myself.”
Desire is not a whim, not a luxury, and not a bonus.
It is the expression of a self-determined consciousness—a relationship with oneself that includes dignity, curiosity, and presence.
4. Perception Begins with Permission
Perception arises through permission.
Only those who allow themselves to feel their own bodies can truly perceive them. This applies to everyone, but for women, this permission has been systematically withdrawn over generations.
Touch, curiosity, and self-contact are not trivial—they are the foundation of every healthy self-perception.
When women relearn to listen to themselves, to feel themselves, and to allow themselves to experience desire, something new emerges: a confident relationship with their own bodies beyond judgment and shame.
5. Desire as Dignity
Desire is not a luxury.
It is a human right.
It is the quiet but determined voice of the body that says: “I am alive.”
When women once again understand their desire as part of their dignity, it not only changes their sexuality—it changes their attitude toward life itself.
Conclusion
Female desire is not a private detail, but a social compass.
A culture that teaches women to be ashamed of their bodies prevents self-determination and undermines dignity.
But a culture that respects female desire recognizes:
Perception begins with permission—and self-determination begins with touch.
Desire is not a luxury. It is part of dignity and self-determination. – Dianne de la Cruz