False accusations often hit people with ADHD like a bolt of lightning: their sense of justice explodes, the fear of being misunderstood kicks in – and the impulse to clarify IMMEDIATELY puts their mouth into turbo mode.
So that in such situations you are not controlled by the impulse, but keep control yourself, here is a concrete boss fight kit for the moment, directly followed by clear follow-up and preparation strategies.
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1. What happens inside you (briefly, as orientation for your tools)
With accusations or false allegations, the following usually happens automatically:
1. “Danger!” – You feel unfairly treated.
2. Nervous system switches to fight mode.
3. ADHD impulsivity reduces braking power.
4. Your mouth starts before you decide.
The plan is: Brake first, react later.
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2. Emergency plan for the moment of accusation
Step 1: Body stop (immediately, before you speak)
As soon as you feel “Ouch, that hits me”:
• Gently close your lips
• Tongue to the roof of your mouth
• Press your feet firmly on the ground
• Take a deep breath in (4 seconds)
• Exhale slowly (6 seconds)
Inner sentence for this:
“Pause first. I can defend myself later.”
This interrupts the turbo start reflex.
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Step 2: Verbal airbag – sentences that buy you time
Silence is often hard. That’s why you need 1–2 fixed sentences that buy time without agreeing or escalating.
Choose ONE of them and memorize it:
• “This feels unfair to me right now. I need a moment.”
• “I see it differently, but I don’t want to react impulsively.”
• “I need to sort things out before I say anything about it.”
• “I’ll get back to you on that.”
Or if you want to stay silent but not seem defensive:
• “I hear what you’re saying. I’ll say something about it later.”
All these sentences do the same thing:
→ They postpone the fight to a time when you are stronger.
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Step 3: Park your thoughts
So you don’t feel forced to clarify EVERYTHING NOW:
• 2–3 keywords in your phone or notebook:
• “Accusation: …”
• “Fact: …”
• “Feeling: …”
This signals to your brain:
“Nothing is lost. We’ll clear this up – but not now.”
After that: listen again or stay silent.
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3. Clarify later – when your nervous system has calmed down
When you are calmer, use a 3-sentence structure that is clear and respectful, without attacking or justifying yourself:
1. What happened
2. How it was for you
3. What you need
Example:
“When you said yesterday that I did XY on purpose,
I felt unfairly accused and misunderstood.
I’d like to set the record straight. Let’s go through this calmly.”
Or in the case of a clear false accusation:
“I get the impression you assume I did XY.
That’s not true.
I’d like to tell you how it was from my perspective.”
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4. Preparation: Script your final boss
So you don’t have to improvise anymore in an emergency.
4.1 Write down trigger sentences
List typical sentences that hit you immediately:
• “You did it again…”
• “You always…”
• “Typical you…”
• “You’re lying.”
Next to each, a ready-made answer:
• “That sentence really hits me right now. I need a moment.”
• “I see it differently, but not impulsively.”
• “Stop. That feels like an accusation. I’ll clarify that later, calmly.”
Practice these sentences out loud → they become as accessible as magic spells.
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4.2 Coordinate with allies
If you have trusted people:
“I’m working on not exploding immediately when accused.
If I take a break or stay silent at first, that’s my attempt to stay fair – not a put-down.”
Then your silence won’t be misinterpreted.
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5. Inner attitude for the boss fight
Many people with ADHD feel internal pressure:
“If I don’t react IMMEDIATELY, the accusation is true!”
That’s not true.
Tell yourself consciously:
• “Justice sometimes takes time.”
• “I am credible, even if I don’t answer in 3 seconds.”
• “My dignity does not depend on an immediate reaction.”
The final boss lives on speed.
You win when you set the pace.
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6. Micro-plan for the next real situation
For the next accusation (it will come – promise 😅):
1. Close your mouth + body anchor
2. An airbag sentence
– e.g. “I notice this triggers me. I’ll say something about it later.”
3. 3 note keywords
4. Clarify later, not in heat mode
If you can say afterwards:
“I was only 20% impulsive instead of 100%”
→ That’s a win.
